Asher Jhon

So, my poor little Ash has no blogs about him, besides announcing my pregnancy, and when we found out he was a boy. It was a pretty easy pregnancy. I gained half as much as with Caleb. He was much more still, I would go days without feeling him! Just got uncomfortable at the end, had killer heartburn. I fell on my stomach on the kitchen floor, going over the baby gate a week before he came. I was so worried I hurt him, but he was ok! On November 26th he arrived. He was 7 pounds 14 ounces. They said he was only 18.5 inches, but at pediatrician visit that week he was 20.5". He seemed so skinny and tiny then, and he is already such a big chunk now! Asher is very sweet. He hasn't liked to be moved, changed, has had reflux issues, and some colic. But he is doing much better. At a month old, on Christmas he smiled at his momma. He has the best smile. Both my boys do! Amazing, heart melting smiles. He loves to laugh and play. He giggles when momma plays with him. He loves staring at and smiling at his brother and his daddy. He likes to chew on his fist. He loves to eat! He has the best pout in the business, sticks his lower lip out like a champ, since he was tiny! He brings me joy every day. I love rocking him to sleep and singing to him. He gets this peaceful, sweet look on his face. The first few months with 2 under 2 was really hectic. Now that Ash is a little older, I think I will have more time to blog. For now, I have just facebooked, I can do it from my phone! It is a little quicker and easier. But I really felt that I needed to give Asher his own blog entry!!! Asher Jhon, we love you! November 2010

December

January

February

March

The Weight Game

Some of you know, some don't, but seven years ago this month I had weight loss surgery. I have just been thinking about my journey, my issues with weight and decided to tell my story.

It started young. I have been conscious of my weight since I was young. I was always tall, slightly chubby, but not fat. Until I hit puberty.

Life as a fat girl:
I remember going walking with my mom though beautiful Panama, going with her to aerobics, and all sorts of stuff. By high school, I was plus sized. Then in my 20s it got harder. I was on medication for my endometriosis problems that puffed me up. I just kept gaining weight. I wasn't a perfect eater, but I wasn't that bad. I was on a test drug for endo and gained 20 pounds in a month. Basically from 15-28 years old, weight was a daily struggle always on my mind. I was on a diet for 14 years. I was always self conscious of it. It was hard. When I worked out like crazy (twice a day) and really dieted, I could get down to a size 14, around 185 pounds. If I worked out a few times a week, did pretty good dieting, I was around a 16. Then if I wasn't being careful, I got up to 18, but I never let myself go past that. I would be 200+ pounds and running 6 miles straight. It was REALLY hard. It was frustrating. Why me? No one else in my family was overweight! For awhile, Matt was a tiny bit chubby, but he hit puberty and got tall and skinny, and I hit it and blew up! I made my poor size 0 sister feel bad because I resented her being so tiny while I was stuck being fat. I am sorry about that. It wasn't her fault. Sorry Em! I never dated. Guys were always my best friends, I had a lot of friends, but they never wanted to date me. The only 2 dates I went on in high school were girl ask boys dances. :( And like I said, I was painfully aware constantly, that I was fat.
Finally after something happened, in a tearful conversation with my sweet dad, surgery came up. I had the means at the time, and a little help from home, and went for it. I researched surgeons and found an awesome one, who had been doing doing WLS and was an ER surgeon for over 20 years. I had to get a psych eval. I had to go to 2 presurgery group meetings. Then on March 29, 2004, my life changed. The weight came off very quickly. My messed up hormones didn't have a choice anymore. When eating one ounce of cottage cheese or refried beans for a meal for a few weeks, you are going to lose weight!

The first few years after fatness:
I remember how I noticed people looking at me differently. Men looked at me. It was weird. People treated me differently. It was amazing. I still felt self conscious for 3 years or so. I still had the mind of a fat girl, but I was down to about 160, about a size 8/10 for me. I hadn't been that size since junior high probably. It almost made me mad sometimes how people were so different to me. I was the same person, but people didn't treat me the same! I was on a date with a guy I met online, and he decided to tell me about how his friend ended up going out with a girl who didn't represent herself accurately, and ended up being overweight. The way he spoke about her and her weight apalled me. Then I informed him that I had recently had surgery and I had been overweight. He said, "oh, I blew it." Yep, needless to say, we never went out again. I am very aware of how people treat others in front of me. If I can see they are rude to heavy people, I will not associate with them. I know they wouldn't be treating me the same. I weighed myself every day still for a few years. I was obssessed still.

7 Years Later:
After about 3 years, I didn't think about weight anymore. Stopped weighing myself. Didn't obssess. I loved working out. I was up to 13 miles when I was in a bad accident and my running training was messed up. But either way, working out or not, I am maintaining my loss. It is so nice not to have to worry about it. My husband never knew me fat. Besides family and half my coworkers, most people I know now never knew me as a fat girl. I am not shy about surgery though. Many people have had questions and I am open to answering them. I can't eat a lot at a time. I can't drink after I ate. My stomach has not stretched. So I do think about how I have to eat, and what I can't eat. I gained 50 pounds with Caleb. I didn't care. It came off very easily. Now I pay attention to my weight, because I am shocked how it is coming off. I eat worse than I ever did when I was fat right now. I ate sooooo much better when I was fat! I am so busy with the boys I eat chips and clearance Valentine's chocolate. So I can't believe where I am at. I was 158 both times I got pregnant. Last I weighed myself, 150. The lowest I got to was 145, and I was size 6, and people thought I looked sick. That is pretty small for my 5'10" frame. So it is awesome that I was able to lose the baby weight. I am happy about that, but I still don't think and worry about weight much. Mostly when people comment to me about it.
Here are pics of me as a kid, in high school, a few years ago at a pool party, and then with Caleb last year.






I don't have many digital pics of my fat days. These are ones others posted on facebook. I have a hard time looking at pics from the old days. There are some
hanging in my moms house that make me gag. It is hard to see, I remember how I felt in that body. I have learned a lot about myself, about how others see weight. I have to admit, when others admire or envy my "skinniness" it does make me happy. After the years of misery, it is nice to be on the other side!

Baby Mine

Darn it. I had a whole blog written and made a dumb move and lost it all.....I hate when I am a dummy.... Here we go again. Hope I can say it how I wanted again. I have a lot of updating to do, but I was thinking about some things last night.

This week I came across the blog of a momma who buried her 4 month old baby girl. Then encountered similar experiences from other blogs off the comments of this one. My heart ached for these women I don't know all week.

I didn't think I would end up having the opportunity to marry. I was an old bride! :)Then because of that and health reasons I didn't think I would ever be blessed to be a mother. In a blink of an eye it seems, I am a wife and mother to two special boys. They are all my miracles.

In the grind of daily life it is easy to let that slip your mind. I don't ever forget how blessed I am, but the dirty floors, the screaming babies, and other things come more forefront. It gets hard and frustrating. I never understood what people meant when they said sleep while you can. I never knew real tiredness until I became a mother, and I sure thought I had.

Asher didn't sleep very well yesterday. During his only good nap, I made a cd of lullabies and baby boy songs. So last night when he would NOT go to sleep, at about 11, I laid in my bed with him in my arms and played the cd. Three songs in my sweet boy finally drifted off. But I just laid there, listening to the words of every song, and pondering my journey of motherhood and the privilege it is to have my two wonderful boys. I thought of what Kellie was feeling, not having her Maddie to hold in her arms anymore. I thought of how lucky I am to have spit up to wipe away, laundry to do, bottles to wash....I am sure she would give anything to have those things back, along with her dear sweet baby. I don't care how tired I am, how much work there is to do, it is a joy. I am going to try not to complain about these things ever again!! I didn't go to sleep until the songs were over, and then slept peacefully with my baby in my arms.

One was Blessed by Elton John.

(for Asher)

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed
I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed
And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed
I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed.


Other songs: Baby Mine, Lullaby (goodnight my angel), Beautiful Boy, Blackbird, Godspeed(Sweet Dreams), He Gave Me You, Hold YOu In my arms, I See Me, and so on.

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"
for (Caleb)

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams



My Beautiful Boys