The Weight Game

Some of you know, some don't, but seven years ago this month I had weight loss surgery. I have just been thinking about my journey, my issues with weight and decided to tell my story.

It started young. I have been conscious of my weight since I was young. I was always tall, slightly chubby, but not fat. Until I hit puberty.

Life as a fat girl:
I remember going walking with my mom though beautiful Panama, going with her to aerobics, and all sorts of stuff. By high school, I was plus sized. Then in my 20s it got harder. I was on medication for my endometriosis problems that puffed me up. I just kept gaining weight. I wasn't a perfect eater, but I wasn't that bad. I was on a test drug for endo and gained 20 pounds in a month. Basically from 15-28 years old, weight was a daily struggle always on my mind. I was on a diet for 14 years. I was always self conscious of it. It was hard. When I worked out like crazy (twice a day) and really dieted, I could get down to a size 14, around 185 pounds. If I worked out a few times a week, did pretty good dieting, I was around a 16. Then if I wasn't being careful, I got up to 18, but I never let myself go past that. I would be 200+ pounds and running 6 miles straight. It was REALLY hard. It was frustrating. Why me? No one else in my family was overweight! For awhile, Matt was a tiny bit chubby, but he hit puberty and got tall and skinny, and I hit it and blew up! I made my poor size 0 sister feel bad because I resented her being so tiny while I was stuck being fat. I am sorry about that. It wasn't her fault. Sorry Em! I never dated. Guys were always my best friends, I had a lot of friends, but they never wanted to date me. The only 2 dates I went on in high school were girl ask boys dances. :( And like I said, I was painfully aware constantly, that I was fat.
Finally after something happened, in a tearful conversation with my sweet dad, surgery came up. I had the means at the time, and a little help from home, and went for it. I researched surgeons and found an awesome one, who had been doing doing WLS and was an ER surgeon for over 20 years. I had to get a psych eval. I had to go to 2 presurgery group meetings. Then on March 29, 2004, my life changed. The weight came off very quickly. My messed up hormones didn't have a choice anymore. When eating one ounce of cottage cheese or refried beans for a meal for a few weeks, you are going to lose weight!

The first few years after fatness:
I remember how I noticed people looking at me differently. Men looked at me. It was weird. People treated me differently. It was amazing. I still felt self conscious for 3 years or so. I still had the mind of a fat girl, but I was down to about 160, about a size 8/10 for me. I hadn't been that size since junior high probably. It almost made me mad sometimes how people were so different to me. I was the same person, but people didn't treat me the same! I was on a date with a guy I met online, and he decided to tell me about how his friend ended up going out with a girl who didn't represent herself accurately, and ended up being overweight. The way he spoke about her and her weight apalled me. Then I informed him that I had recently had surgery and I had been overweight. He said, "oh, I blew it." Yep, needless to say, we never went out again. I am very aware of how people treat others in front of me. If I can see they are rude to heavy people, I will not associate with them. I know they wouldn't be treating me the same. I weighed myself every day still for a few years. I was obssessed still.

7 Years Later:
After about 3 years, I didn't think about weight anymore. Stopped weighing myself. Didn't obssess. I loved working out. I was up to 13 miles when I was in a bad accident and my running training was messed up. But either way, working out or not, I am maintaining my loss. It is so nice not to have to worry about it. My husband never knew me fat. Besides family and half my coworkers, most people I know now never knew me as a fat girl. I am not shy about surgery though. Many people have had questions and I am open to answering them. I can't eat a lot at a time. I can't drink after I ate. My stomach has not stretched. So I do think about how I have to eat, and what I can't eat. I gained 50 pounds with Caleb. I didn't care. It came off very easily. Now I pay attention to my weight, because I am shocked how it is coming off. I eat worse than I ever did when I was fat right now. I ate sooooo much better when I was fat! I am so busy with the boys I eat chips and clearance Valentine's chocolate. So I can't believe where I am at. I was 158 both times I got pregnant. Last I weighed myself, 150. The lowest I got to was 145, and I was size 6, and people thought I looked sick. That is pretty small for my 5'10" frame. So it is awesome that I was able to lose the baby weight. I am happy about that, but I still don't think and worry about weight much. Mostly when people comment to me about it.
Here are pics of me as a kid, in high school, a few years ago at a pool party, and then with Caleb last year.






I don't have many digital pics of my fat days. These are ones others posted on facebook. I have a hard time looking at pics from the old days. There are some
hanging in my moms house that make me gag. It is hard to see, I remember how I felt in that body. I have learned a lot about myself, about how others see weight. I have to admit, when others admire or envy my "skinniness" it does make me happy. After the years of misery, it is nice to be on the other side!